How do we deal with the simple fact that we are alive?
Because sometimes being alive is really hard.
But then again, sometimes life is fucking amazing.
So much of my life has been about figuring out how to be with all of it: the good, the bad, the joy, the pain, the glorious, the horrific. I have learned a lot, and now I need to release some of these hard-learned lessons out into the world. This is what I want to talk about here:
How to BE YOUR OWN POWER.
How to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
How to LOVE PEOPLE FULLY.
How to LOVE YOURSELF DEEPLY.
How to BE THE AUTHORITY YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE.
How to OWN YOUR OWN LIFE.
How to HEAL YOUR HEART.
How to BE FREE.
How to LIVE THE LIFE YOU TRULY YEARN FOR.
How to DISCOVER YOUR LIFE-FORCE.
How to BREAK OPEN YOUR CREATIVITY.
How to BE PRESENT TO ALL OF IT.
How to UNTIE THE BONDAGES AROUND YOUR HEART.
How to LIVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE CREATIVELY.
How to ACCEPT EVERY PART OF YOURSELF.
How to GRIEVE OUR LOSSES.
How to UNLOCK THE INNER SECRETS OF YOUR HEART.
How to LIVE WITH YOUR HEART WIDE OPEN.
How to LOVE ALL OF IT.
How to BE OKAY WITH EVERYTHING INSIDE YOURSELF.
How to LIVE FROM FROM DEEP WITHIN YOUR OWN BEING.
How to FIND THAT PLACE INSIDE OF YOU THAT NEVER GAVE UP.
These may be the simplest truths of life, but for some of us, they are extraordinarily hard to come by. If you need some more of this in your life, welcome, I am so glad you're here.
So, so much love,
Whitney Rhiannon Till
P.S. - Would you like regular thoughts on HOW TO BE ALIVE sent right to you? You can sign up for my FREE ENCOURAGEMENTS on the upper right side of this page:)
I'd really love to hear your thoughts: how are you learning HOW TO BE ALIVE?
One of the most important things we can do is try to discover healthy way to be ourselves and to relate to others; a way that replaces harshness with compassion, avoidance with directness, and fear with faith.
Here are 4 ways you can achieve that today:
Allow life to be a game.
Life has this way of playing tricks on us, not to be cruel or derisive, but to bring energy and curiosity to our time here.
To allow us to seek meaning and purpose in our days.
If we already knew everything that life has to offer, what would we be doing here?
It is very fortunate for us that life is a trickster, because some of the most precious things in life go quite against logic: falling in love, having children, quitting jobs, starting businesses, and turning our biggest fears into our greatest opportunities.
The game is what life does to get us involved.
It’s how we learn, how we gain appreciation for it, how we stay entertained and on our toes.
Play along, because it’s not the kind of game that has a winner or a loser. It is the kind of game that is meant to be played for it’s own sake.
Let things not always make sense, because a bit of confusion is often what happens when you are the cusp of something very interesting.
Let yourself not know what is going to happen.
Let yourself fall into something just because it is calling to you.
Let yourself love tenderly even though you know you could lose it all.
Open your heart to the mysteries out there.
When my brothers and I were young, we'd ask my mother what it felt like to birth a baby. "It's like shitting a watermelon," she'd say every time.
We'd all laugh because mom had said a naughty word.
I had no idea how accurate her sentiment was.
While I was pushing Malcolm out, it was such unbelievable pain that I with every contraction, I screamed swear words through the halls of the hospital, knowing that was the only way he was getting out. I could feel every single stretch of my body trying to accommodate his. I had not gotten medication or even a natural rush of pain-numbing hormones to help me along (though I was grateful to know that an epidural was just a hallway away).
It was all pain.
It was also utter mystery.
I was pure body.
There was nothing else inside me. My mind was there, but as nothing more than another observer. I was not deciding to push or not to push. All I could do was watch as my body bore down through contraction after contraction, giving me no choice but to shove with every ounce of life-force I could grab on to.
Damn how it burned! For forty-five minutes of intense pushing, me on my knees and a birth ball, husband fanning me on one side, doula
on the other saying "yessss" to every horrible word that came out of my mouth.
Oh, how I needed them.
I was utterly present to the unfathomable force that was taking over my body. There was no free will about it, I was just an animal.
Another huge push, the awful stretch, the pain and fear, and then, my husband so quietly exclaiming “It’s a boy!”
Baby had come out in one swift motion, and I hadn't even realized it was over. I looked behind me and saw this floppy little fish on the bed and thought, “huh…that’s weird.”
I did not experience the instantly bonding surge of oxytocin some others get. But I also knew that was okay. At that moment, I just wanted everyone to recognize what I had just done.
In time, the bond came. When I would hear him cry in the night and feel my body lift itself out of bed to go to him, even before a thought had crossed my mind, I knew "what is this, if not love?" And today, when he walks into my arms for a hug, I am overwhelmed.
Such love as I have never known when he smiles, when he sits in my arms playing with my necklace, when he coughs. I utterly adore him, and he was worth it all.
In the weeks after birth, I walked around in a daze thinking “our bodies are fucking amazing!”
And they are.
I am so proud of mine.
I am somewhat embarrassed to be write what I am about to write at my age, but alas, growth comes slowly:
I am beginning to learn that there is a very important distinction between having a need, and getting that need met.
It has taken a long time for me to see this, because part of me thinks that if I have a need that goes unmet, I must not be not as strong or assertive as "I ought to be," that someone else should be figuring this out for me, or that I am just overly needy. Basically, this is how it goes:
I have an unmet need = I am doing something wrong.
I’m starting to think that this just isn’t true. And worse, this belief can lead me to feel a sense of injustice or unfair expectations of the very people I love most.
In many ways, this feels like a lesson for a three year old. But it's also more nuanced than that. I don’t think I’m the only one who struggles with this. I think, in part, it is a cultural thing.
My old model of operating would look a little something like this:
1) I need something.
2) I devalue my own needs in a mistaken effort to keep someone else happy with me, or because I genuinely believe I am unworthy of satisfaction.
3) I get mad at this someone for not figuring out and meeting my needs because I am setting aside all my concerns in order to figure out and meet theirs!
4) I sit on my resentment in silence until it is compacted and numb.
Needless to say, this model does not lead to much personal or relational happiness. I’m living a shit-storm inside my own head, and no one even knows it. (Cue me, sitting alone in a dark kitchen, eating straight out of the gallon size vat of vanilla Häagen-Dazs.)
I meet your needs --> You meet mine.
While this may seem like a good equation...the math doesn't really add up.
Because unless I spend my days listening to my own inner well, you are left guessing as to what I want or need from you – all of the time.
And all of that guesswork is exhausting, and you never fully know if my needs are actually being met, and I never fully know if you’re happy with me, so it just leads to more guesswork on both parts.
This is crazy making.
What then, is the other option?
It's difficult, but way more rewarding:
You must be the one to take the huge risk of taking care of yourself.
(And if you’re anything like me, this can feel unthinkable sometimes.)
It may feel really uncomfortable, especially at first. It may feel as if you are neglecting others, and you may, for good reason, worry that someone else’s needs will go unmet if you're not there to take care of them. (Of course, this is a different discussion than if we're talking about adults caring for children, I'm talking adult to adult here.)
It's okay if it feels really uncomfortable, scary even.
It IS a huge risk.
So...breath into that discomfort, find a quiet space to sit for a few minutes, and you ask yourself:
"What is my body telling me?...
......what’s happening in my mind?...
.............where is my heart right now?"
These few questions change everything.
Because the more you are able to do this, the more you fill up your inner well-spring of love. That way, the care you give to others is given with joy and freedom and an authentic desire to give.
When you give from this place, people can feel the difference.
It is uplifting and renewing to them as well.
It is not marked by the clouds of resentment and questions and doubts that attend gifts given out of depletion.
Your joy will spread and light others up as well.
And then, you just keep doing this, day after day, for the rest of your life;)
Self-care doesn't end.
And why would it? You are the one person you will ALWAYS be with, every minute of every day, for the rest of your life.
Doesn't it seem, then, that you are the one person who is most qualified to measure and take care of your own wellness?
When a group of individuals is focused on each person primarily caring for themselves, the entire group becomes healthier. There is a balance to this of course, a certain amount of give or take, but it starts with personal responsibility.
Bring grace and patience to the process, but keep trying to attend to your own inner voice as much as possible.
Everyone will benefit in the long run.
So nowadays, instead of sitting around silently wishing someone else would magically guess what I'm thinking and fix everything for me, I am trying this new model:
1) I need something.
2) I listen closely to myself and get to know the shape of my ever-changing experience and needs.
3) If I feel like it, I communicate my needs to others, either with or without a request for their help.
4) I fulfill my own need, allow someone else to help me, or, if neither of these is possible, try to accept that I will have an unfulfilled need for a period of time.
Quite often, this results in a very happy me, and much happier relationships. (There may still be some Häagen-Dazs in there, but more for fun and comfort than for a feeling burial;)
Identifying*, communicating**, and fulfilling*** my needs are three very different processes that are each ultimately my own responsibility.
(* No one can guess my need when I do not take the time and effort to know it first.)
(** No one can hear it if I do not say it.)
(*** No one, including me, can truly satisfy a need I have unless I allow them the freedom to give or not to give.)
Now, I know that not everyone struggles with this kind of thing. But to those who, like me, do need to learn this the hard way, I would have this to offer this:
We must calm the forces within us demanding that our unmet needs are evidence that someone does not love us.
We must own responsibility for our own wellness,
because --> no one else can create that for us.
When we feel unsatisfied, unappreciated, depleted, exhausted, riddled with anxiety, etc., it is up to each one of us to sit down, breath deep and respectfully ask ourselves:
"Sweetheart...what's going on?"
The best way to get our needs met is not to assume that someone else will do it for us.
The best way to get our needs met is to listen carefully, and then go meet them.
May you find everything you most dearly need in this world,
Whitney Rhiannon Till