You are your own savior

You are the only one who can make sense of things for yourself

You are the only one who can change your own life: DO IT


That thing that you know needs to happen in order for you to move forward: DO IT NOW

Don't hesitate. Don't wait for something else to happen first

Just do it

Then figure it out as you go

Make a plan if you need to, and then start


If there's a certain kind of love that you need: MAKE IT FOR YOURSELF

No one else is going to know how to love you best unless you figure it out first


Take hold of your own life, and then let the world fall around that

Don't wait for permission, for freedom, for security

Do what you know you must do, because you're the only one who can

Every single one of us reaches a point where everything must fall apart in order to be fixed. When this occurs, listen to the broken pieces as best you can.

WHEN YOU'RE CARRYING MORE THAN YOU CAN BALANCE

If your life contains more than you are able to take care of, it is time to clear something out. What is truly important? What is there just because someone else said it was? It is your right and responsibility to distinguish this for yourself, every single day. This is the only way we will get the really important stuff done while we’re here. The more you work your muscles of discernment, the more the holy process of life will make sense to you. 

If you are trying to balance a life that seems unmanageable, take hope. The more you attempt the holy balance of life while listening deeply to your own inner guidance, the more skill you will attain for it. Trust the process, and take it one step at a time. In time, you will become very good at balancing that which is most important to you.

You already have the capacity for all this within you. It is just a matter of dusting that capacity off and honing in on what really matters. Learning to trust your own judgment will occur naturally.

WHEN YOU’RE STUCK IN A PAINFUL SITUATION

Are you stuck in a cycle that has no way of ending well? If you’re in a place that seems to have no good outcome for you, step back and take a good look at your surroundings. What are you trying to get out of this situation? Is that even possible? Is it truly worth your precious time and energy?

If you just can’t seem to get anything right, that may mean it’s time to zoom out and take a look at the bigger picture of what is going on around you. Instead of staying trapped in a painful situation, ask yourself if it’s time to leave or make an adjustment. You may fear that if you do things differently, you’ll get trapped somehow. But if you’re spending all of your time worrying about what bad things might occur in the future, you are already in a trap.

WHEN YOUR EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE

Perhaps you're feeling “overly emotional.” Good. Be overly emotional. Be emotional all of the time. Emotions guide us to what’s going on inside ourselves. They guide us to our inner knowledge of what steps to take next, or what needs are going unfulfilled. Feelings are the stuff of life. Feeling is what makes us alive.

Each different pocket of feeling holds some key that you need in order to be whole and sustained. Tend to each one with love and great concern. Let is speak what it must. Let it hurt or cheer or laugh or fume. Each one moves us along the road of life. Take care of them all, and then clean yourself out for the fresh water of life to enter. The more we do this, the more our souls get cleaned and ready for all that vast goodness that we are capable of containing.

The only thing that makes a feeling “bad” is calling it “bad.” No feeling is actually “bad,” “good,” “right,” or “wrong.” Each feeling is just…a feeling. If you let it be just what it is, it is able to deliver its message to you and then move along its merry way. Sometimes it takes a while to pass, sometimes it takes just an instant. Some bring sensations you enjoy, while others cause great discomfort. Allow variety with each new emotion. And sit in wonder at all the different capacities you gain over time for being present and loving.

YOU ARE WORTH THAT WHICH YOU NEED MOST

The bottom line is this- you are worth wholeness. You are worth understanding, peace, and change. Whatever it is you need, go and get that. Over time, it will gradually start to make more sense.

I am somewhat embarrassed to be write what I am about to write at my age, but alas, growth comes slowly:

I am beginning to learn that there is a very important distinction between having a need, and getting that need met.

It has taken a long time for me to see this, because part of me thinks that if I have a need that goes unmet, I must not be not as strong or assertive as "I ought to be," that someone else should be figuring this out for me, or that I am just overly needy. Basically, this is how it goes:

I have an unmet need = I am doing something wrong.

I’m starting to think that this just isn’t true. And worse, this belief can lead me to feel a sense of injustice or unfair expectations of the very people I love most.

In many ways, this feels like a lesson for a three year old. But it's also more nuanced than that. I don’t think I’m the only one who struggles with this. I think, in part, it is a cultural thing.

                                                                                                                                                                                      

My old model of operating would look a little something like this:

1) I need something.

2) I devalue my own needs in a mistaken effort to keep someone else happy with me, or because I genuinely believe I am unworthy of satisfaction.

3) I get mad at this someone for not figuring out and meeting my needs because I am setting aside all my concerns in order to figure out and meet theirs!

4) I sit on my resentment in silence until it is compacted and numb.

Needless to say, this model does not lead to much personal or relational happiness. I’m living a shit-storm inside my own head, and no one even knows it. (Cue me, sitting alone in a dark kitchen, eating straight out of the gallon size vat of vanilla Häagen-Dazs.)

                                                                                                                                                                                      

                                                                I meet your needs --> You meet mine.

While this may seem like a good equation...the math doesn't really add up.

Because unless I spend my days listening to my own inner well, you are left guessing as to what I want or need from you – all of the time.

And all of that guesswork is exhausting, and you never fully know if my needs are actually being met, and I never fully know if you’re happy with me, so it just leads to more guesswork on both parts.

This is crazy making.

What then, is the other option?

It's difficult, but way more rewarding:


You must be the one to take the huge risk of taking care of yourself.


(And if you’re anything like me, this can feel unthinkable sometimes.)


It may feel really uncomfortable, especially at first. It may feel as if you are neglecting others, and you may, for good reason, worry that someone else’s needs will go unmet if you're not there to take care of them. (Of course, this is a different discussion than if we're talking about adults caring for children, I'm talking adult to adult here.)


It's okay if it feels really uncomfortable, scary even.

It IS a huge risk.


So...breath into that discomfort, find a quiet space to sit for a few minutes, and you ask yourself:

                "What is my body telling me?...

                ......what’s happening in my mind?...

                .............where is my heart right now?"


These few questions change everything.

Because the more you are able to do this, the more you fill up your inner well-spring of love. That way, the care you give to others is given with joy and freedom and an authentic desire to give.

When you give from this place, people can feel the difference.

It is uplifting and renewing to them as well.

It is not marked by the clouds of resentment and questions and doubts that attend gifts given out of depletion.


Your joy will spread and light others up as well.


And then, you just keep doing this, day after day, for the rest of your life;)


Self-care doesn't end.


And why would it? You are the one person you will ALWAYS be with, every minute of every day, for the rest of your life.

Doesn't it seem, then, that you are the one person who is most qualified to measure and take care of your own wellness?


When a group of individuals is focused on each person primarily caring for themselves, the entire group becomes healthier. There is a balance to this of course, a certain amount of give or take, but it starts with personal responsibility.

Bring grace and patience to the process, but keep trying to attend to your own inner voice as much as possible.

Everyone will benefit in the long run.

                                                                                                                                                                                      

So nowadays, instead of sitting around silently wishing someone else would magically guess what I'm thinking and fix everything for me, I am trying this new model:

1) I need something.

2) I listen closely to myself and get to know the shape of my ever-changing experience and needs.

3) If I feel like it, I communicate my needs to others, either with or without a request for their help.

4) I fulfill my own need, allow someone else to help me, or, if neither of these is possible, try to accept that I will have an unfulfilled need for a period of time.

Quite often, this results in a very happy me, and much happier relationships. (There may still be some Häagen-Dazs in there, but more for fun and comfort than for a feeling burial;)

                                                                                                                                                                                      

Identifying*, communicating**, and fulfilling*** my needs are three very different processes that are each ultimately my own responsibility.

(* No one can guess my need when I do not take the time and effort to know it first.)

(** No one can hear it if I do not say it.)

(*** No one, including me, can truly satisfy a need I have unless I allow them the freedom to give or not to give.)

                                                                                                                                                                                      

Now, I know that not everyone struggles with this kind of thing. But to those who, like me, do need to learn this the hard way, I would have this to offer this:

We must calm the forces within us demanding that our unmet needs are evidence that someone does not love us.

We must own responsibility for our own wellness,

                                                                               because --> no one else can create that for us.

When we feel unsatisfied, unappreciated, depleted, exhausted, riddled with anxiety, etc., it is up to each one of us to sit down, breath deep and respectfully ask ourselves:

                                                                    "Sweetheart...what's going on?"

 
The best way to get our needs met is not to assume that someone else will do it for us.


The best way to get our needs met is to listen carefully, and then go meet them.

May you find everything you most dearly need in this world,


Whitney Rhiannon Till