I am somewhat embarrassed to be write what I am about to write at my age, but alas, growth comes slowly:

I am beginning to learn that there is a very important distinction between having a need, and getting that need met.

It has taken a long time for me to see this, because part of me thinks that if I have a need that goes unmet, I must not be not as strong or assertive as "I ought to be," that someone else should be figuring this out for me, or that I am just overly needy. Basically, this is how it goes:

I have an unmet need = I am doing something wrong.

I’m starting to think that this just isn’t true. And worse, this belief can lead me to feel a sense of injustice or unfair expectations of the very people I love most.

In many ways, this feels like a lesson for a three year old. But it's also more nuanced than that. I don’t think I’m the only one who struggles with this. I think, in part, it is a cultural thing.

                                                                                                                                                                                      

My old model of operating would look a little something like this:

1) I need something.

2) I devalue my own needs in a mistaken effort to keep someone else happy with me, or because I genuinely believe I am unworthy of satisfaction.

3) I get mad at this someone for not figuring out and meeting my needs because I am setting aside all my concerns in order to figure out and meet theirs!

4) I sit on my resentment in silence until it is compacted and numb.

Needless to say, this model does not lead to much personal or relational happiness. I’m living a shit-storm inside my own head, and no one even knows it. (Cue me, sitting alone in a dark kitchen, eating straight out of the gallon size vat of vanilla Häagen-Dazs.)

                                                                                                                                                                                      

                                                                I meet your needs --> You meet mine.

While this may seem like a good equation...the math doesn't really add up.

Because unless I spend my days listening to my own inner well, you are left guessing as to what I want or need from you – all of the time.

And all of that guesswork is exhausting, and you never fully know if my needs are actually being met, and I never fully know if you’re happy with me, so it just leads to more guesswork on both parts.

This is crazy making.

What then, is the other option?

It's difficult, but way more rewarding:


You must be the one to take the huge risk of taking care of yourself.


(And if you’re anything like me, this can feel unthinkable sometimes.)


It may feel really uncomfortable, especially at first. It may feel as if you are neglecting others, and you may, for good reason, worry that someone else’s needs will go unmet if you're not there to take care of them. (Of course, this is a different discussion than if we're talking about adults caring for children, I'm talking adult to adult here.)


It's okay if it feels really uncomfortable, scary even.

It IS a huge risk.


So...breath into that discomfort, find a quiet space to sit for a few minutes, and you ask yourself:

                "What is my body telling me?...

                ......what’s happening in my mind?...

                .............where is my heart right now?"


These few questions change everything.

Because the more you are able to do this, the more you fill up your inner well-spring of love. That way, the care you give to others is given with joy and freedom and an authentic desire to give.

When you give from this place, people can feel the difference.

It is uplifting and renewing to them as well.

It is not marked by the clouds of resentment and questions and doubts that attend gifts given out of depletion.


Your joy will spread and light others up as well.


And then, you just keep doing this, day after day, for the rest of your life;)


Self-care doesn't end.


And why would it? You are the one person you will ALWAYS be with, every minute of every day, for the rest of your life.

Doesn't it seem, then, that you are the one person who is most qualified to measure and take care of your own wellness?


When a group of individuals is focused on each person primarily caring for themselves, the entire group becomes healthier. There is a balance to this of course, a certain amount of give or take, but it starts with personal responsibility.

Bring grace and patience to the process, but keep trying to attend to your own inner voice as much as possible.

Everyone will benefit in the long run.

                                                                                                                                                                                      

So nowadays, instead of sitting around silently wishing someone else would magically guess what I'm thinking and fix everything for me, I am trying this new model:

1) I need something.

2) I listen closely to myself and get to know the shape of my ever-changing experience and needs.

3) If I feel like it, I communicate my needs to others, either with or without a request for their help.

4) I fulfill my own need, allow someone else to help me, or, if neither of these is possible, try to accept that I will have an unfulfilled need for a period of time.

Quite often, this results in a very happy me, and much happier relationships. (There may still be some Häagen-Dazs in there, but more for fun and comfort than for a feeling burial;)

                                                                                                                                                                                      

Identifying*, communicating**, and fulfilling*** my needs are three very different processes that are each ultimately my own responsibility.

(* No one can guess my need when I do not take the time and effort to know it first.)

(** No one can hear it if I do not say it.)

(*** No one, including me, can truly satisfy a need I have unless I allow them the freedom to give or not to give.)

                                                                                                                                                                                      

Now, I know that not everyone struggles with this kind of thing. But to those who, like me, do need to learn this the hard way, I would have this to offer this:

We must calm the forces within us demanding that our unmet needs are evidence that someone does not love us.

We must own responsibility for our own wellness,

                                                                               because --> no one else can create that for us.

When we feel unsatisfied, unappreciated, depleted, exhausted, riddled with anxiety, etc., it is up to each one of us to sit down, breath deep and respectfully ask ourselves:

                                                                    "Sweetheart...what's going on?"

 
The best way to get our needs met is not to assume that someone else will do it for us.


The best way to get our needs met is to listen carefully, and then go meet them.

May you find everything you most dearly need in this world,


Whitney Rhiannon Till

                           Do you ever get that nagging feeling that there is something wrong with you?

That if you just tried harder, figured out the right stuff to do, the right way to look, that you'd finally become the person you are supposed to be?


Yeah...

...that's bullshit.

(I mean this in the sweetest way possible;)


You already are enough, exactly the way you are, precisely because that is who you are, and who you are --> is fucking incredible.


There is nothing wrong with your fundamental self, but thinking there is can hold us back from discovering the most awesome parts of our personalities and abilities.

You are who you are, regardless of what other people see or don't see.

OWN THAT.

When you are ready, when you are able, own your own particular make-up, your inner rhythms and passions, your unique way of being in this world. 'Cuz it's good.

You're good.

Whatever your way is, that's the right way for you to be, because that's the way you are. You will change over the years, but it all starts from right here, from where you are right now.

There is no absolute need to fulfill an outside standard of yourself in order to be a valid member of this world. You may fill outside standards at specific times, for specific reasons, this is very skillful and, at times, necessary for getting to where you need to go. But all you ever really need to be is you. And anyone who can't accept that, has their own stuff to work out. (as we all do ;)

So just be whatever it is you are, because Who You Are is what this world really needs.


The only way to let others love you, is to just be you.

Just be what you are, and see what happens next. You may surprise yourself ;)



[Disclaimer: I do not mean this as some kind of license for poor behavior. We do not have the freedom to harm others. I say this based on the belief that underneath all our layers of pain and shame and conditioning, most people are truly good people who genuinly want the best for the ones they love. Act on THIS.]

If you could see me on this day, exactly ten years ago, you would see a scared, beautiful young woman, standing on the edge of an abyss so dark, so hollow, and so vast, you would think it had no end. My heart was shattered, and for the first time I could see that the sorrow coming up in me was not just about an ex-boyfriend. Suddenly, all my "issues" were staring me right in the face, demanding my full attention. I had some shit to work out. I had not caused these problems, nor did I deserve them, but it was clear that I was the only person who would be able to heal them. I had a choice to make: I could either jump in with my whole heart and fight for my own life, or I could stay on solid ground, and slowly waste away, losing more and more of myself with every passing year.

I chose to dive in, head first, with no idea if I would ever make it out in alive.

If I could write a letter to that confused, terrified, perfect person, this is what it would say:


To You, You Dearest of Souls:

I know that you’re having a really hard time right now, and it just seems to be getting worse everyday. I am so sorry. The sucky thing is, it's might be awful for a while longer yet. So here are some essential things to remember while you try to feel better:

1) Who you are is okay. I know you usually don’t feel that way (and that’s okay too;) but you are a good and beautiful person, exactly as you are right now.

2) Your inner torment will gradually loosen. It may take a long time, and a lot of effort, and some help from a few key people, but it will get a little bit better with every passing year. You may not always notice it because this kind of change is really slow, but one day, you will look at your life and be able to say “Things are still hard sometimes, but at least it’s better now than it was then.”

3) You are on the right path. Just keep going. Just keep looking for those things that help you, that give you a sense of hope and possibility. The more you look, the more they will magically show up around you.

4) There are some very real and important reasons for why you feel the way you feel. You may never understand perfectly what those reasons are, but your pain and confusion have actual roots, and they will gradually lift.

5) You will find love and joy. I know this for a fact ;)

6) Travel. As much as you can. As soon as you can. Physically, Spiritually, Mentally. Expose yourself to as much of the world as you are able to. It will help you understand your particular place in it.

7) You are completely capable of doing what you need to do in order to get to where you need to go. The keys are already inside of you.

8) You are not crazy. (But it’s also okay if you feel like you are from time to time;)

9) Have fun. Do your work. Sleep at night. Eat your food. That’s really all you ever have to do. The secrets you’re looking for will appear as they appear.

10) There is an Indescribable Force of the DIVINE reaching out from deep within you, adamantly pulling you toward the places you need to go. Let it do the work it needs to do, because it will NEVER stop loving you.

You are in a key place in your life. Offer yourself all the love and compassion you can muster, and come back to these words whenever you lose your sense of hope that things will, indeed, get better. You are a treasure to this world.

Love,

Whitney

It's supposed it be hard.

Things are supposed to suck sometimes.

It's perfectly alright if they do!

THINGS FUCKING SUCK!!!!!

Good for you!

They should suck.

We are meant to go through awful experiences.

Not just because they help us grow or they help us empathize with others...

...but because things are awful sometimes!

I have never gotten to know anyone who did not have serious problems.

And why shouldn't we?

The expectation that we should have a happy, easy, picture perfect life is bullshit.

It just makes it that much more confusing when we don't.

We can't get away from life.

We can just be here...

    ...breath...

        ...do the best we can do...

            ...look for people who make us feel a little bit better...

                Smile and laugh when we can.

                    Cry and scream when we must.

It's the only way through.

What a TRIP this life is!

When things are hard, life can contain so much that must be processed, that at times, we are unable see the whole picture. We fight the very facts of life, and watch our precious energy drain away before our eyes.

But...when we release...

...when we accept the dare of allowing life to be just as it is...

...it somehow begins to work better.

It may not necessarily be pretty, but it makes just a tiny bit more sense. We are able to laugh about our own situation a little bit more.

We get better at stepping into the natural flow of things.

When we allow sorrow, loss and grief......it begins to (ever so slowly) magically transform into purpose and reason. When we enter the space where we accept that pain is simply the other side of joy, and loss is inherent in all love, we begin to feel that fleeting sensation that we're actually okay in this world.

The world is not against us.

It just is.

Because there is a distinct difference between struggling and suffering. We will always have struggle, it is built into the very essence of life. But the effort to remove struggle; to ignore, resist, or destroy it, that is when suffering begins wrapping around our minds once again.

We can struggle and learn something, or we can refuse to accept struggle and secret that burden down into our unseen parts.

It is the simplest decision we make, and it is the hardest decision we make.

The best way I've found to do this, the way that has always remained an option, is this:

BREATH.

ACKNOWLEDGE.

ACCEPT.

(repeat)

Over and over and over and over again.

We just keep doing it, moment by moment, throughout every day of our lives.

Then we forget to accept, and we feel the life-sucking chains of denial wrap tightly around us yet again.

Then we remember to breath, and we slowly allow acceptance to melt over us to whatever extent we are able to.

And then we repeat this process: over and over and over again.

This is normal. This is how we do it.

The more we do this, the easier it gets. The more second-nature acceptance becomes.

We just keep reminding ourselves that...

                                                                 ...IT IS ALL OKAY.

All of it.

Every piece of our story. Every segment of our pain. Every confusion and question and worry we feel.

ALL OF IT IS ACCEPTABLE.

It is simply what is in you right now.

(no biggie)

If it's in you - it's okay. (Really).

Just let it be. Breath. Wait. Do the work you must do. Then breath again. And see what is in you then.


 

(repeat;)

More and more, I see that wholeness is not found by spending all our energy trying to prevent bad things from happening to us.

Wholeness is created by learning how to heal yourself.

Whether it's from heartbreak, trauma, harsh conditioning, prejudice, or any other arrangement of hardship that life is guaranteed to provide each one of us at one point or another.

There could be any ten billion ways to create your inner healing.

Try them all.

Just do them, and see what comes of it. When you find something that works, share it with your friends! If something your friend swears by does nothing for you, SO WHAT?!

We are free to spend our lives healing our own hearts.

(And it is okay if you need an entire lifetime to do it in.)

If you want to know how to do it, there is only one simple equation I have found to date:

---GIVE LOVE TO YOURSELF---

Every......single........day. In every way imaginable.

Offer compassion, understanding, forgiveness and grace, every single moment you are able to. There will be moments when you challenge yourself, yes, but they will come from your own authentic drive for change.

Acceptance (of the radical kind) can change everything.

Do for yourself what you would do for a very dear friend. If you are sore, massage. If you are hungry, feed. If you are hurt, comfort. If you are awake, REJOICE!

The love you most crave is only possible when you first allow if from yourself.

Give yourself the acceptance you've always wanted and needed.

Then your heart will be full to the brim and you will be able to give it back out again, in gladness.

Because whether we work to please and obey, or we dare to begin untangling the shackles we've been wrapped up in, the world will still go on. So we may as well choose the way that will free at least one soul.

Take the unimaginable risk of believing that giving tender, loving care to yourself really is the best thing you can do for anyone in this world.

HOLY MOLY I SET UP A WEBSITE TO GET MY WRITING OUT INTO THE WORLD!!!

Jeepers Creepers I'm so excited!!!! (and a little scared;)

Visit here anytime you need some encouragement towards creating the life you most dearly want and the healing you most dearly need!!!

Here are some of the values I strive towards:

PRESENCE: what's going on in this moment is all we ever experience.
KINDNESS: to self, to others, as much as humanly possible.
AUTHENTICITY: we help ourselves most by getting to what's really going on.
RESPECT: each persons life is their God-given right and responsibility.
MAGIC: that which we cannot explain is usually what makes the biggest difference in our lives.
HEART: if it's worth doing, it's worth going all in.