I know what realms of emotions I am very good a skirting around. They are what I consider the “hot” feelings: excitement, anticipation, anger.
When I’m edging into one of these, and the energy becomes more than I can handle, I find a way to siphon it off, to move around it rather than through it.
I think it’s okay that this happens. In fact, I think it’s only natural, and I would bet that everyone has some area of feeling they are good at avoiding.
But now I have a problem. Because these "hot" feelings include creativity. And what I'm trying to do now requires letting my creative energy build and build to much greater levels than I am comfortable with.
Even writing this is requiring immense patience from me.
Since I don’t know exactly what I’ll end up creating, and if it will be good enough to put “out there,” I get really nervous and want to just stop.
I would much rather go grab that pint of ice cream out of the freezer and go watch The Goodwife. I love doing these things, and at the end of a hard day’s work, treats and TV are immensely satisfying. But if I stop before I’ve finished what I know I need to finish, I’m left with a discontent. The nerves don’t actually go away. They just go underneath and feed into worry and uncertainty.
But I’ve learned something in the past year that really helps me to not jettison these uncomfortable, yet highly productive feelings:
When I feel strong desire for a certain outcome, instead of trying to figure out if or when it will occur, I need to focus on what the urge feels like inside of me.
Instead of asking: “How can I guarantee my desired outcome?” I need to ask “What is this drive leading me toward right now?”
When I listen to myself in this way, do the work I need to do, and follow the sensation all the way through, I find a more organic sense of patience and trust in the process.
It doesn’t make my “high-end” energy go away, but it helps me stay with it and get to where I need to go, instead of spending that energy before it’s fueled the work it needs to.
The energy is good. I am good. We're just learning how to play together.
Whitney Rhiannon Till