But I'm getting sick of this doubt, so yesterday, I asked the Universe (for about the millionth time) to tell me if my plans will succeed. I received a pretty blunt answer:
“Whitney, I will not tell you if this is going to work or not.”
But then I realized...I'm not actually asking:
“What will the future bring?”
What I am really asking is:
“Is it okay that I am doing this?"
"Am I breaking some Almighty Rule of Behavior by not being on a pre-approved route right now?"
"Is it okay that I am doing what I actually want to be doing?"
I deeply want to know if I am still acceptable, and doing this work makes me feel like I am breaking all the rules I'm supposed to follow.
I think these questions are coming from my fear of The Man, that force that tells us that we must do what it says, keep our heads down, and stay in line.
I am so fucking sick of this.
I don’t know if it’s cultural or just from my personal background, but this has been a thick theme throughout my life, and I’m sick of it.
I've spent so much time and energy learning how to be obedient, and working my ass off for approval, but the more I do it, the more I realize that this unseen force is not working for me. It's not actually trying to make my life better.
And I am so sick of it.
So now...I’m gonna get mine;)
I'm gonna work toward what I truly need, both so that I may enjoy it, and because I suspect that my taking responsibility for my own needs is what will help the larger whole as well. This is me acting from my grass roots.
I am in control of my own life.
(This scares the shit out of me, by the way.)
I am much more comfortable in the victim role. In some ways, I would prefer it if someone else would tell me what to do, so that I can just do that, and then be able to blame them for my lack of fulfillment. I know how to do that. That's familiar. I'm good at that.
But the problem with that structure, is that it doesn't actually make me happy. Or well. Or good.
So who is it benefitting?
So now I’m trying a new way of moving through this world: I’m going to lead my own destiny.
I’ve been doing this for a while in my personal life, to great success.
Now, I’m trying this in my work life.
I am going to do the work I care about, write the stuff that I know, and hope that it will help others who have similar struggles.
I've been attempting this in one way or another for about a year now. And it's gone like this: I work for a while. I feel good. People appreciate my work. I feel grateful and proud of myself. And then…I get scared. I wonder: “What the fuck am I doing here?” I start to feel invalid. I shrink down a little bit.
That’s when I hear the voice of Holy Guidance say:
“One step at a time, dear. One breath at a time."
This is an extremely important moment. The key is to keep going, even when doubt is all around you. This is when we must remember:
I don’t know what I'm building, because I haven’t built it yet.
I know what I am working on today. I now how I’m creating a possible window for success, but I don’t actually know what’s going to happen from here.
I know I need to spend my days taking care of myself and my family. I know I need to spend my time sharing that which has saved me with others. I know I need income to come from that, so that I can support my family, and continue spending my time doing these two wonderful things.
What I don’t know is exactly how this is going to look.
I’ve painted some pictures of how the future’s going to go. I made a nice collage of what's going to occur in the future (you know, the future that doesn't actually exist).
I am grateful for these images, because they gave me the balls to try something brand new. The felt like a nice, tidy parachute when I was being pushed off the edge of Brand New.
But the truth is, I don't know if these plans will work out in the long run.
I only know what I am lead to do today.
I need to let go of some of my ideas of the future, so that it can actually happen.
Last night, in the middle of a group meditation, I looked deep inside myself.
All this doubt had exhausted me, and I knew I was looking for the root of it.
After a good while, I finally glimpsed something interesting.
Here I’ve been, hearing over and over and over the voice of doubt offering numerous and, may I say, very valid arguments against sharing what I think, and really, the answer was inside of me the entire time:
I am not going to stop.
And I knew it so clearly that I couldn't help but laugh.
I know I’m going to keep doing this.
No matter how much doubt shows up, no matter what other people may or may not say about it.
I know I’m going to keep trying this and seeing what happens and adjusting as I need to and then keep doing it some more.
I know that it’s time for me to be doing my work. Period. It was never time for me to be doing it before, but now it is, and I am doing it.
Doubt may be here, and doubt may not be here, but I am doing this.
This knowledge is liberating.
I have permission to feel doubt.
It’s okay if doubt is here. It’s okay if not every moment that I’m working toward my dream feels good. That is not actually a problem. I can still keep working toward my dream.
Just keep going. Whatever it is you need to do, just do it, and keep doing it.
I can look back, and see how this drive is not new, it is just directed to a new area of my life.
For nearly a decade, I have had an inexplicable, and often times, extremely aggravating drive to heal myself from the harsh effects of growing up with a mentally ill father and a degrading culture.
How many times did I wish I could just stop bothering with all that?
But now that I have learned so much, and truly become free in so many ways, I can see how worthwhile all that hard work was.
I can also see that doubt is somehow intrinsic to the grain of growth. Somehow, it's all the same thing. I’m not sure how or why, but it’s just there, woven into every new expansion we experience.
Doubt is not a reason to stop.
Sometimes, there may be actual reasons to stop, but the simple presence of doubt is just a given. It will always be there in one form or another.
Just keep going. Push through it.
Doubt may actually be a sign that you’re getting close to something really great;)
So so much love,
Whitney Rhiannon Till (the first;)
P.S. - Do you have an example of a time you pushed through doubt and found something great?